Rolling Head Cup Masturbator by Tenga

Hey sex Fans!

Dr Dick had the dubious pleasure of test-driving one of these babies earlier this week.  In short, this product is crap, of the first order.  Let me recount my torturous adventure to prove my point.

I have some basic standards by which I judge a sex toy.  First among them is; does the blasted thing do what it says it’s supposed to?  The Rolling Head Cup Masturbator ($22.99) arrived on my doorstep with absolutely no packaging, save the red plastic label that sealed the bottom of the unit.  I’m not a big fan of excessive packaging.  But hey, Tenga ought to have included some instructions on how to use this contraption.

Being the clever and resourceful guy I am, I decided to remove the label and look inside.  Still, I wasn’t sure what to do next.

  • Here’s a tip for all you sex toy designers out there.  When designing a toy to mimic or augment a sexual practice that us men folks have been doing just fine since time began with the two hands we were created with; you’d better come up with something that is equally intuitive or don’t fuckin’ bother.  OK?

Once I removed the red label I found a very soft perforated styrofoam base that was oozing something slippery.  To my great astonishment, the cup was already lubed up, as it were.  Rather than this being a thoughtful design ploy, I was put off by this.  I had no idea what kind of lube this was.  What if I was allergic to this type of lube, or it wasn’t my lube of choice?  Not a good idea, this!

I decided to look past the pre-lubed issue to figure out what I was supposed to do next.  Obviously, I was to insert my precious stiffy into this gooey mess, but how was I supposed to get past the styrofoam base?  There was, of course, a little hole, but there was also the styrofoam plug.  Was I supposed to remove the plug?  I did, but I don’t think I was supposed to.  I think I was supposed to push the plug into the unit with my dickhead.  Removing the plug, as I did, just added to the gooey mess.  This also destabilized the remaining soft styrofoam base, which began to sluff off from the rest of the insides.  This left no protection from the hard plastic edge of the unit.  Here I am 15 minutes into this ill-fated exercise and I have yet to even get my dick wet.  This was not going well.

  • A second tip for all you sex toy designers out there.  When designing a toy to put around a guy’s hardon, the one-size-fits-all concept is a real bad idea.  Or the product should be labeled accordingly.

Gummy mess aside, I was bound and determined to press forward.  And as it turned out, that’s precisely what I had to do.  I had to press and press and then press some more.  Anticipation turned to frustration, then aggravation.  If I hadn’t been wearing a cockring during this second-rate encounter, my willie would have surely gone to sleep from boredom.

Now my dick isn’t super sized or anything, but there was no way Mr Wonderful was just gonna fit inside this contraption.  Instead, I inserted my index finger to get a sense of the capacity of this puppy.  The textured jelly masturbation sleeve inside will only gonna accommodate a cock the girth of my finger, not much more.  DISAPPOINTED!

I never was able to find out if there was any benefit to the pleated band on the cup’s midriff that is supposed to allow the device to flex enough to move in circles, or bend side to side, or even up and down.  By the time I finally gave up, I had nothing to show for my efforts but a goopy mess.  The lube was now mixed with what I guessed was some kind of adhesive that was supposed to have held the soft perforated styrofoam base in place.  Which it did not do.

Finally, had this miserable thing actually worked, and I was able to stimulate myself to a jizz-filled happy ending, there would have been no way for me to clean this device for a second go.  So basically the unwary consumer would be paying thirty-plus bucks for a one-use wonder.

To sum up, what we have here is an over priced, ineffectual, ill-conceived, poorly designed rip off.

Cyberskin Penis Extension

Name: Jeremy Taylor
Gender: male
Age: 19
Location: Bangor Maine
I have a problem with my penis size. I don’t think it’s long enough to give a woman pleasure. You keep saying there’s no help for us little guys. What are we supposed to do?

a989.jpgYou may have misunderstood my previous advice about cock enhancement devices, creams, pills and patches. That shit don’t work. But that’s not to say that you can’t augment what you have down there with a little creativity and the help of the Cyberskin Penis Extension (A989). Take a look at this, pup.

The new Cyberskin line of products represents a significant advance in dildos and cock extensions that feel like the real thing. The rubber on the surface of this extension feels hauntingly like human skin. But the inside part of the (11⁄2″ or 3″) extension is much firmer. It is soft and supple on the surface, but hard and rigid inside, ya know like a real cock!

Visually, the shape, texture, and coloration of this extension are designed to create a realistic effect as well. And it looks realistic… and feels more realistic.

There’s a trick to putting this extension on: You roll up the sleeve until it’s all the way up around the (11⁄2″ or 3″) extension. Then place it against the head of your hard dick, roll down the sleeve snugly around your cock, sealing your johnson inside the sleeve. A partial seal will form, helping the extension stay on during fucking.

Wearing this extension will add to both the length and thickness of the dong. It will of course reduce the sensation in your dick during fucking, but that’s not always a bad thing, especially for guys with a real short fuse. Besides, a lot of guys like the feeling of having their cock sealed inside the sleeve.

Tit Tuggers

Name: Jimmy
Gender: male
Age: 32c656.jpg
Location: Little Rock
I’m really getting into my nipples lately. I have a snake bite kit that I’ve been using to lengthen my nips. Any other gadgets of this sort that you can recommend?

You betcha! Jimmy! Meet your new best friends, The Tit Tuggers (C656) These babies consist of a pair of erotic nickel plated breast and nipple torture devices specially designed to pinch and pull the tits. The Tit Tuggers are pleasurably painful and playful, and even though they pinch hard they feel good.

The Tit Tuggers work by first clamping the clothes-pin style pincher to the nipple. The clamper is fastened to a stem and together they measure a total length of 61⁄4”. The stem is threaded.

The curved metal arch of the Tit Tugger has an opening in the center for the stem to fit through and a wing nut on the outside hold it in place. The stem can be pulled through and tightened to pull the nipple out up to a total of 11⁄2”. Yowsa!

The Tit Tuggers are sold in pairs.

Pandora Vibrating Silicone Prostate Massager

Sex Fans,

Allow me to introduce you to a handy little vibrating plug that’ll surely put a smile on your face, Pandora Vibrating Silicone Prostate Massager (C554). This unisex toy will jazz up whatever spot you got — G-Spot or P-Spot. Since I’m a proud owner of a P-Spot (prostate), I’ll do my testifyin’ from that particular pew. I’ll let all you G-Spot owners come to your own conclusions.c554.jpg

This here Pandora massager is the perfect utensil for the novice ass raider. Not overly familiar with things pokin’ you in the be-hind? Not to worry, this smooth ergonomic slim-jim will enter with ease. Guys who are used to having big toys in their rosebud will probably be unimpressed with this beginner’s model, but the rest of us will appreciate its modest size.

Anyhow, Pandora has everything you’d expect in a plug. Plus it has this swell hooked end that is designed to hit the spot, if ya catch my drift. And there’s a bonus; it vibrates too. Not all butt plugs do, ya know. There are seven, count them, seven different speeds and pulsations, which makes that little soft hooked end thingy do a happy dance on your P-Spot (or G-Spot). And boy if that don’t make you see the light, nothin’ will.

There is nothing overpowering about this little bugger. Its vibration/pulsation is sweet and gentle, just the thing for the anal-lovin’ trainee. I encourage you to take your time getting to know all the different speeds and pulsations. I found that if I allowed the Zen like vibrations to build as I moved through the different sensations, rather than just throwin’ it into high gear from the get go, there was more joy to be had. Vibration control is found at the base of the unit.

The quality wireless Japanese motor is super quiet. It runs on 3 of them flat watch batteries. But don’t worry; your first rides are free. This puppy is already loaded with batteries and is ready to get at ya right out of the package.

And here’s a tip. Once you get used to having this discreet pleasure puppy in your bum, you can just leave it there for an extended time. That’s the beauty part of a plug’s flared end. You’ll never have to worry that it will go missing up your chute. Imagine how this little number will make you feel as you wisk your way through all your humdrum household chores. And you can bank on that!

ENJOY

Universal Nipple Enlarger Kit

Dick, I got really sensitive nipples they’re hotwired to right to my dick. I saw this guy at the bar last week and b174.jpghe had nipples the size of my fingertip. They were crazybig and shit. Is that like natural, or are his nips on steroids?
Big Nips 4 Me

Dude, like you need to totally pull your head out of your ass and wake up to how the big boys (and girls) get them freaky sized nipples. Check out the Universal Nipple Enlarger Kit (B174). This multi purpose nipple play item offers a lower cost alternative to many higher-end suction devices.

This hand-dandy kit comes with four different ring sizes and two different pump applicators, allowing for a perfect fit for most people, and a full range of sensations. A larger ring will provide a light sensation and keep your nipples comfortably erect. Use a smaller size for more sensation and/or “bite,” as well as a greater enlarging effect.

Directions:
1. Slide the chosen ring onto the tip of the pump.
2. Squeeze the bulb and attach to the nipple, wait for the desired attainment of swelling.
3. Slide the ring onto the nipple and remove the pump.

Try one of these babies on for size. Then send me photos of your freaks.

Good luck

Extra Wide Ankle Cuffs

Doc, when you did your podcast about bondage last week you only talked robe bondage. What’s up with that? I use j127.jpgleather restraints in my dungeon. Care to comment?
— hide in hand

Well, smell you with your fancy-schmancy leather appointed dungeon! You must be the snootiest dom on the block.

Actually, I do care to comment. Technically, bondage is the generic rubric, under which restraints fall as a subcategory. And leather is just one of the materials used in restraints, albeit a very popular one.

So just for you, my precious, I have these little numbers. Check out the Extra Wide Ankle Cuffs (J127).

These cuffs are similar in design to the basic locking cuffs only more “heavy-duty.” They are wider and made of heavier leather, with a larger hasp. Perfectly suited to the really uppity sub, who doesn’t yet know his/her place

Cut from extra-thick, black, latigo leather, each cuff is 31⁄4″ wide and will fit ankles approximately 6″ to 101⁄2″ around. These cuffs are comfortable and extremely secure. No leather-appointed dungeon should be without!

Good luck