Ken & Denise
Ken: “We didn’t exactly know what we were getting into with this Clone-A-Willy Kit. It promises a lifelike replica of my dick that would Glow in the Dark. I was game, at least initially.”
Denise: “Yeah, we thought it would be a fun little project full of laughs. Well that’s how it started out anyway.”
Ken: “Since I was the one being ‘molded’, the pressure was on me to maintain an erection under less than erotic circumstances. I tell you, it’s not as easy as it sounds. I have a renewed appreciation for all the male porn stars out there, who seem to have a perpetual bone.”
Denise: “I don’t suppose I helped the situation all that much, because I became increasingly anxious about following the directions for preparing the molding goop. You actually have to have the water you mix with the powder at the precise temperature. And I read a lot of comments online posted by couples who screwed up the process and I sort of lost my nerve.”
Ken: “I suggested that we put the kit away till we were in a better mindset and I wasn’t worried about my boner.”
Denise: “We checked in with Dr Dick about our apprehensions and he told us to approach it alike a game, not a project. That helped some, because Ken and I were beginning to freak out about messing things up.”
Ken: “Dr Dick also suggested that I wear a cockring to help with maintaining my stiffy. Don’t know why I didn’t think of that. I also decided I’d slip in a little butt plug, because that always gets me going.”
Denise: “I decided to have a glass of wine…ok, it was a big glass of wine. And that helped too; it really took the edge off.”
Ken: “Denise was too busy organizing everything and mixing stuff to help me with my wood. Generally all she has to do is go down on me and I’m as hard as a rock.”
Denise: “Actually he did fine on his own. He’s such a trooper. All I can say is that I’m happy it wasn’t me that had to get turned on under these conditions.”
Ken: “Once the molding goop is ready it all has to be done very quickly. Luckily, I was ready. I sunk my junk into the goop and prayed that I’d hold the erection for the minute or so it takes for the mold to set up. A minute never lasted so long. We like totally recommend that you have something on the floor and the countertop to prevent spill messes.”
Denise: “Once this part was over and Ken removed his cock from the mold the worst of it was over. Ken jumped in the shower to remove the molding goop residue. And I had some breathing room while the mold dried. Another glass of wine and I was ready to prepare the rubber goop — two liquids that mix to make the rubber that fills the mold. I was worried that this part was going to be as anxiety provoking as the mold part, but it wasn’t so bad. You just have to remember to keep mixing the stuff for two minutes.”
Ken: “I prepared the vibration unit to place in the base of the mold. You get a piece of cardboard and cut a small hole in it. You slide the vibrator through the small hole. You then slip the vibrator into the rubber mix while letting the cardboard hold the vibrator up so it won’t slide into the rubber. And once I finished that part we got to relax.”
Denise: “24 hours later we pulled this amazingly realistic replica of Ken’s dick from the mold. It was such a hoot!”
Ken: “We nearly fell down laughing, because we were like mad scientists admiring our creation; this totally freaky day-glow green dildo.”
Denise: “Considering the effort we put into this, and that it is a replica of my man’s dong, I will treasure it always.”
Ken: “Actually, once we let go of our performance anxiety it was kinda fun. We both recommend the Clone-A-Willy Kit. And remember, if you mess up a batch you can always buy extra mixing materials.”

Glenn & Hank
Glenn: “What’s more fun than buying yourself a sex toy? Making your own, that’s what.”
Hank: “Glenn nearly wet himself when he caught sight of the Clone-A-Willy Kit. He can’t help it; he fancies himself a regular Martha Stewart. I swear this man can make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.”
Glenn: “Awww, see how you are? Isn’t he sweet? It’s true though, I got an instant hardon thinking about cloning Hank’s willie.”
Hank: “At first I thought, damn, my hog ain’t gonna fit in that tube. But it did and the rest is history.”
Glenn: “Hold on there, big fella! We didn’t even tell them what happened.”
Hank: “Yeah, sorry, I got a little ahead of myself.”
Glenn: “If you don’t mind me quoting from the Empire Labs promotional materials. The Clone-A-Willy’s medically tested molding gel process captures incredible, life-like detail, making this the most personalized vibrating sex toy you will ever own. Each kit contains everything you need to create an exact replica of any penis in the comfort of your own home.”
Hank: “There are several things you ought to know from the get-go. First, you must follow the directions exactly as presented. Second, it’s essential that you have everything near-to-hand before you start to mix any of the ingredients. Third, if it’s your cock that’s getting molded, you will have to maintain an erection under some stressful conditions; like ‘hurry up and wait!’”
Glenn: “All very good points! I will add that the process can get a little messy. If you’re anal retentive like me you will want to use disposable plastic containers to do your mixing. And be sure to cover your countertop and floor with some plastic sheeting. I used some leftover plastic painting tarp that I draped over the counter and on to the floor.”
Hank: “While Glenn was busy in the kitchen I put on some porn and stretched out on the couch. I slipped on a snug cock ring and started to pull my pud using a little water-based lube. I wanted to make sure that I was at full-mast for my big close-up.”
Glenn: “Once I had everything set up I called for Hank to join me. He had this sheepish look on his face, but he also had a raging hardon. I think he was afraid that he would lose his wood before the mold was set. I assured him we’d work fast. Well actually, that’s precisely what you have to do…work fast. We trimmed the plastic tube to the right size. I mixed the molding powder in water and filled the tube. Hank plunged in his dick and we held it there till the mold set.”
Hank: “The anticipation was the worst part. But it’s over almost as fast as it began. I think it only took a minute for the mold to set. I pealed off the excess molding material, twisted the plastic tube a bit and out popped my cock; no worse for the wear.”
Glenn: “We let the mold dry completely before I started to mix the rubber mixture. I pored the mixture in the mold, added the vibrating unit as the instructions directed and left it on the counter to set for 24 hours.”
Hank: “I couldn’t believe my eyes when, the next day, we pulled the completed dildo from the mold. It was so fuckin’ lifelike! I gotta tell you it’s a bizarre experience seeing an exact replica of your own dick. I love it though.”
Glenn: “You love it? Imagine how I must feel! Now I’ll never be without at least one of Hank’s cocks; even if he takes the original one on a business trip, I’ll always have the other to keep me occupied.”
Hank: “If you are a do-it-yourself type of person and you like a little challenge. If you can follow directions without getting all flustered; then Clone-A-Willy is a fun project for you and your partner to do together. Just be prepared for a silly messy time. I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

Karen
I took the Silicone Taffy Tickler Water G from its packaging hoping against hope that the prickly surface of the toy would be soft and pliable. But my hopes were soon dashed. I wondered to myself; who designed this thing, the Marquis de Sade? And if the Taffy Tickler is really made of silicone as the package says, I’ll eat my hat. It doesn’t feel or smell like any of the other quality silicone toys I own.

The Taffy Tickler is designed as a G-spot vibe, as the curved tip suggests. My only question is who has a tough enough pussy to withstand the insertion of something akin to a scrub brush. I certainly don’t! Not that I didn’t try. Like the good little reviewer that I am, I did try. First I used it externally. Despite being very sensitive in my genital area, I did find that if I lightly dragged the Taffy Tickler over my pussy lips and above my clit, the sensations were pleasurable. Next, while sitting up, I just laid the Taffy Tickler with the vibration on high (it has one of those rheostat sort of controllers) between my legs and against my pussy. This was a very interesting sensation too. It sent shivers down my spine.

But insertion was impossible for me and I like girthy toys! Even with the loads of water-based lube that I used on it; it didn’t smooth the way. The lube just got lost in the crevices and I couldn’t even get the tip fully inserted. This has got to be the biggest disaster of my Dr Dick Review Crew career.

Alas, the Taffy Tickler never got anywhere near my G-spot. It is waterproof though; so there’s that.

Once my disappointment subsided I did discover something really lovely. The Taffy Tickler makes a wonderful scalp massager.

Sex Toys & Vibrators

Gina & Kevin
Gina: “Hello again. This review is basically a continuation of the Ultra Harness 2000 review we just posted. We decided to review these products together because, well they belong together.”
Kevin: “In the Ultra Harness 2000 review we mentioned that there are a number of different attachments and accessories that you can buy for your harness. Well, the Vac-U-Lock Kong Realistic is one such attachment.”
Gina: “This is one gigantic dong, folks! It’s actually scary in its realistic appearance. It even has faux pubic hair. I know, WTF? And this isn’t even the biggest model they make, but I digress.”
Kevin: “Gina’s right; when I pulled this thing out of the box, I went ‘DAMN!’ It’s made of a soft, lifelike material that makes the Kong Realistic look so realistic. But as we learned in the previous review; that comes at a price. The off gas that you smell when you first open the box tells us the materials used in this toy are toxic to some degree. We also suspect that they contain phthalates, PVC and possibly latex. This is not necessarily a problem, just so long as you don’t use the thing internally without a condom.”
Gina: “That’s right; use a condom when you play with this thing. Not just for health concerns, but for clean up too. The Kong Realistic is made of a very porous material and it can’t be sterilized. And if it can’t be sterilized, it can’t be shared. And you can only use a water-based lube with it.”
Kevin: “So ok, this time around Gina used the harness. The Ultra Harness 2000 we have is designed for a man but she says it fits her too. Attaching the Kong Realistic is easy with the patented Vac-U-Lock technology, which uses a plastic plug to attach the dong to the harness.”
Gina: “The Kong Realistic is so massive I could hardly believe my eyes when I looked at myself in the mirror. No wonder guys with huge dicks think they rule the world.”
Kevin: “I looked at the dong warily too. This would be the biggest thing I’ve had in my ass to date. Would I even be able to do it? I warmed up my ass with a decent sized plug. And when I thought I was ready, I gave Gina the green light. She slipped on a condom and looked at me with an evil gaze.”
Gina: “Ok, are you gonna tell them, or am I?”
Kevin: “Gina’s referring to the qualms I had about the realistic look of the Kong Realistic. I don’t know why this became an issue with me, but it did. I’ve been into my ass for years now. I love butt plugs and I love it when Gina straps one on and pegs me. But in the past all this ass play has been with toys that didn’t look so realistic.”
Gina: “I noticed Kevin’s hesitation and asked him what was wrong. At first I thought it was the size of the Kong Realistic. I realized only after he told me that it was the realistic look of the thing that troubled him.”
Kevin: “I’ll admit, I had a moment of gay panic; so sue me!”
Gina: “We laughed about it afterward, but I certainly appreciate what he was going through. Guys are so funny that way.”
Kevin: “Anyway, once I processed the whole gay thing — it isn’t the shape and size of what ya put up your ass that makes a person gay, it left my mind. Actually, it was a great tada moment. I then thoroughly enjoyed the mighty Kong Realistic in my hole. And I gotta tell you, Gina has become quite the cocksmith; she really knows how to throw a fuck.”
Gina: “Yeah, I want a real dick in my next life.”
Kevin: “Even though I could barely walk after that ass-ult, I did the cleanup. I wiped down the harness and washed the Kong Realistic in warm soapy water, rinsed it thoroughly and left it to air dry. I dusted it with cornstarch and stored it in a plastic bag to keep it from getting all tacky or linty, as this realistic squishy material will do.

Sex Toys & Vibrators

Gina & Kevin
Kevin: “We have the hot set up for you! This here is the Ultra Harness 2000 For Men. And I haven’t had so much fun in ages. I know you’ve all heard about strap-ons for women, right? Well this is a strap-on for men. I kid you not!”
Gina: “So you’re probably wondering, why would a guy need a strap-on when he already has his ‘tool’ dangling between his legs. Ever hear of erectile dysfunction? Or say a guy wants to please his partner with a little, or a lot more than what nature gave him. Or say there’s some hot double penetration play in the offing, but only one partner.”
Kevin: “There ya go; took the words right out of my mouth. Actually the Ultra Harness 2000 For Men is a kit. It comes with the three-way fully adjustable all leather harness, which expands up to 44 inches in the waist; a realistic looking 7”x1.75” dildo; and an adjustable or detachable butt plug. They thought of everything.”
Gina: “Although this thing is designed for a man, and they have a version for women, I was able to wear the Ultra Harness 2000 too. But I think it would be cool to get the harness designed for women and decide which I liked best.”
Kevin: “The Ultra Harness 2000 come with the patented Vac-U-Lock technology that uses a plastic plug to attach the dong to the harness. It’s brilliant, really! Plus you can buy an array of attachments and accessories.”
Gina: “Speaking of attachments; we will also be reviewing, the Kong Realistic attachment today too.”
Kevin: “I’m like totally game for new experiences and so even though I don’t have ED, and my cock is a generous size, and Gina is not into double penetration; I strapped on the Ultra Harness 2000 with the dildo that came in the package. You see the harness has a hole in it that you put your own cock and balls through and snap it closed. Then I adjusted the very hefty butt plug and sank it in my ass. This took more time than I expected, because it is considerably bigger than I am used to.”
Gina: “Once he had the whole thing arranged he called me in the room. There he stood with two raging hardons, one of which was dripping precum like crazy. It was a site to behold.”
Kevin: “You can blame the butt plug for all the precum. I was filled to the hilt, so to speak.”
Gina: “We slipped a condom on the dong and Kevin had a ball fucking me with both of his cocks. It was a riot! You should know that I won’t insert a dildo made of this soft material inside me. It’s fun to look at and play with, but I won’t insert it without a condom.”
Kevin: “A condom is a must for any dildo made of this kind of realistic feel material, because this stuff is very porous and it can’t be sterilized. And if it can’t be sterilized, it can’t be shared. Oh, and you can only use a water-based lube with this thing.”
Gina: “You should also prepare yourself for the odor that emanates from the box when first opened. It’s a sickly sweet smell that is pretty overpowering. This was another reason that I didn’t want that dong in my box. I insisted that Kevin air the thing out in the garage for a couple of days till the smell dissipated. The off gas tells me the materials used in this toy are probably toxic to some degree. I would also guess that they contain phthalates, PVC and possibly latex. So be warned!”
Kevin: “I second that! Too bad this stuff, that feels so flesh-like, has to be made of such dubious material. Once we were finished with our first play session with the Ultra Harness 2000 cleanup began. I un-strapped the harness; slowly pulled out the butt plug; and carried the whole thing to the sink. The butt plug was easier to detach than the dong. I washed them both in warm soapy water, rinsed them thoroughly and left them to air dry. I dusted the dong with cornstarch and stored it in a plastic bag to keep it from getting all tacky or linty, as this realistic squishy material will do. I pretty much decided that the butt plug was too big for me to wear longer than a short while. So if they don’t have smaller sizes available to replace this big one, I’ll just use one of my other. smaller ones next time. The butt plug doesn’t really need to be attached to the harness to provide the stimulation you look for in a plug.”
Gina: “A good time was had by all. And you can’t beat the visuals. It’s pretty amazing.”

Sex Toys & Vibrators

Joy & Dixie
Dixie: “It’s been a while since we’ve had an opportunity to post a review for you guys.”
Joy: “Yep, it’s been two-plus months. But we have an excuse; we’ve been on the road. We sometimes get fed up with our day jobs and just say fuck it. We hop in our RV and hit the road. It does a person good to simply get up and go.”
Dixie: “But here’s the thing; despite our footloose wanderlust, we never leave home without the essentials. And our companion on the trip we just got back from was our new buddy the PAPAYA Toys Candy Stick.”

Joy: “This thing rocks! If you are like Dixie and I you’re often disappointed by the size of most of the vibes on the market. I have nothing against petite, but shouldn’t there be at least a few quality insertables for those of us who like big?”
Dixie: “You would think, from the surprising sameness of the vast majority of vibrators out there, that one size fits all. That’s simply not the truth. Lots of women we know, like ourselves, prefer something with some girth. And the Candy Stick certainly fits the bill. It satisfies like no other vibe we own and we own a load of them.”
Joy: “Yep, this puppy is ten wonderful inches from stem to stern. Nearly seven of those inches are insertable. And here’s the best part, it’s 1.5” in diameter. I guarantee that you’ll sit up and take note when the Candy Stick is present.”
Dixie: “The shaft has a slight curve to it and not only is it girthy, (Is that even a word?) but it has texture; the most delicious swirls. Ours is the PAPAYA grape color, but it comes in two other delectable colors too — apple, as in green apple and strawberry. It is made of 100% medical grade silicone. Their corporate philosophy is based on using only the finest materials available.”
Joy: “How refreshing is that? It seems nowadays a lot of sex toy companies are cutting corners. And since there’s no regulatory agency out there checking up on the claims these companies make; they can get away with murder. And we the consumer find ourselves with dubious products on our hands.”
Dixie: “So true! The silicone shaft connects to the base just below the baby blue band. By the way, I love this color combination. The base screws off to reveal the battery compartment, which is very easy to load with batteries. (2 AA batteries, not included; D’oh!) There is no wrong way to insert the battery barrel back inside the shaft, which is great. And screwing the base back on the shaft makes a watertight seal.”
Joy: “Now you’re talkin! This is my favorite part. The Candy Stick is waterproof. Not some nonsense splashproof, whatever that means. But it’s honest to god waterproof. I can’t tell you how many baths I’ve already shared with our Candy Stick.”
Dixie: “The two-button controls are ergonomically placed in the slightly textured handle. They are easy to manipulate even with lubed fingers. The Candy Stick features three vibration modes and each can be adjusted to various speeds by holding down one or the other button. It also turns off with just one click of the right button.”
Joy: “The Candy Stick is amazingly quiet too. I love inserting nearly the entire shaft; I can feel the vibrations throughout my entire pelvis area. It provides me with this deep and full feeling that is like no other. The only thing I like better in my cunt is Dixie’s hand.”
Dixie: “Thank you, hun! But you should know that you don’t need to insert this vibe for it to be enjoyed. It’s rounded nose and swirled shaft is perfect for clit play. I also like to lay back in the bath and place the Candy Stick right at the opening of my anus. The vibration there sends shivers up and down my spine. That and lightly rubbing my clit while underwater is a surefire way for me to have an explosive orgasm.”
Joy: “The beauty part of the Candy Stick is you can sterilize it for sharing. That’s because it’s both waterproof and silicone,. We’ve taken to dropping it in a pot of boiling water for a minute. We’ve even tested it in the dishwasher. You just need to make sure the shaft is screwed on tightly to the base before hand.”
Dixie: “Mild soap and warm water does just fine for everyday cleaning. You can also wipe it down with a lint-free towel moistened with peroxide, rubbing alcohol or a 10% bleach solution too.”
Joy: “We don’t have to remind you that you can only use a water-based lube with a fine silicone toy like this, do we? Good! You should also know that the Candy Stick come in a beautiful gift box that is 100% biodegradable; there’s no plastic! You’ll also find a very pretty instruction booklet in three languages — English, German and Chinese. It makes a perfect gift…for yourself or someone you want to impress.”
Dixie: “You can tell we love our PAPAYA Toy; and we are confident that you’ll like them too. I am so excited to see this fresh new company take its rightful place in the marketplace. I look forward to many new, interesting and innovative things from them in years to come.”

Dr Dick
I have the pleasure of introducing you to my new product of choice in the shaving department. Say hello to Inttimo Shave Cream, another innovative product from the good folks at WET. I mean it just figures that a company known for their premium personal lubes would bring to market a superior shaving cream. All I gotta say is; what took you so long?

If you’re prone to razor burn, ingrown hairs and/or shaving bumps Inttimo Shave Cream is the ideal product for you. Now I know that WET created this formula to enhance and safeguard intimate shaves, like bikini shaves, legs, underarms and manscaping, but is it’s as practical, if not more so, for every day facial shaving.

It’s enhanced with aloe vera, vitamin E and jojoba oil; it doesn’t contain parabens, but there is glycerin. I have pretty sensitive skin, but I didn’t experience any irritation when using Inttimo Shave Cream and my skin fells fantastic after each use. A small amount covers a large area and coats the skin nicely. I really like it because it’s not dense like shaving foam. This is a good thing because my razor just glides along, it didn’t clog my razor and it rinses off my razor easily.

I’m happy I got the unscented formula for review, but for those who want/need some fragrance they also have a Forbidden Fruit formula. (I wonder, what fruit is forbidden these days?)

I really like the plastic squeeze tube container. It has a flip-up top that is very convenient and you don’t have to worry about rust stains that so frequently accompany traditional metal shaving cream cans.

I really love Inttimo Shave Cream! Now that WET has spoiled me with this, I’ll never be able to go back to a less comfortable shave. It’s like a shave cream and a condition in one. Inttimo Shave Cream gets my highest recommendation.

Dr Dick
I’ve been an avid practitioner of massage and bodywork for ages. I guess you could say I know my way around a massage table. However finding just the right massage oil or lotion is not nearly as easy as kneading out the knots in someone’s body.

I’ve tried dozens and dozens of different products over the years and while I’m particularly fond of the Vitamin E and Aloe Vera-based massage lotion that I whip up in my own kitchen, I am always on the lookout for an exceptionally fine massage oil as a compliment to the lotion I use.

I am happy to announce that, thanks to my friends at WET, I now have what I’ve been searching for — Inttimo Tranquility Aromatherapy. It is the ideal massage oil to use along side of my special recipe massage lotion. So yay for that!

Inttimo Tranquility is another new product from the masterminds at WET. It’s a very light, pleasantly fragranced massage oil that can also be used as a bath oil. I am so glad to see them branch out from their more familiar line of personal lubricants.

Inttimo Tranquility is long-lasting, but never greasy. It has a nice, but not overpowering scent. This one contains bergamot and ginger; aromas to balance, instill composure and relax the body. But there are three other aromas to choose from. And a little goes a long way. It feels beautifully on my hands and on my client’s skin.

It comes in a nicely shaped plastic bottle. I got the 4oz size for review, but it also comes in an 8oz size. Despite the attractive bottle I wound up transferring the contents to an empty pump bottle I had on hand. The screw top of the original container is not convenient. It’s a bother to have to open and close it with each application, but you’d be foolish not to. The bottle could easily tip and spill and that would make a huge mess. If I had one suggestion to make to the manufacturer it would be consider adding a pump to the packaging.

Again, I loved the consistency of Inttimo Tranquility; not too thin, not so thick, it’s just right. It distributes on the body very evenly and it easily absorbs into the skin. There’s no residue to stain either my massage linens or my client’s clothing.

Inttimo Tranquility contains almond oil, aloe vera juice, vitamin E and A, hemp seed oil, avocado oil, kukul nut oil, and sunflower oil. It’s very good for your skin. It’s great for erotic massage too. But it’s not recommended for use with a condom.

Why not add some spice to your partner play; throw in a little massage; doesn’t even have to be erotic massage. Touching your partner in a non-seductive way can be as loving and rewarding as touching your partner in a seductive manner. Either way; it’s a great way to set the mood or simply say; I love your body.

Dr Dick
Water-based personal lubes are notorious for drying out too quickly, at least as they compare to silicone-based lubes. And when a lube dries out during use, it tend to become sticky. I hate when that happens! Problem is if you’re using a condom and/or playing with a fine silicone toy; ya can’t use a silicone-based lube.

Water-based personal lubes are also less viscous then their silicone-based cousins. Less viscosity means the lube will be runny and less likely to stay in place. This can be frustrating, messy and wasteful.
But wait! Our friends at WET have come up with a very nice solution to these nagging problems. They call their product — WET Gellee. This is a new product for WET. They’ve successfully made a hypoallergenic gel-type water-based lube that is silky smooth; more long-lasting; doesn’t get sticky; way more viscous than the traditional runny liquid formula so it stays put longer; and there’s less of a mess when using it. WET Gellee isn’t as likely to drip all over your bedding, furniture, carpet or car upholstery. Wait, car upholstery? Come on; let’s face it, not all fucking happens in the bedroom. And WET Gellee is non-staining, which makes it perfect for all those non-traditional sex situations…the dining room table, pool side, Aunt Millie’s powder room?

I was happy to receive the non-scented original formula of WET Gellee. They also have a Kiwi Strawberry flavor, which would have been way over the top for me. I prefer my lube to be flavorless, thank you very much. However, there is a hint of sweetness, even with this non-scented original formula. But these formulas are completely sugar-free, which means most people can use them internally without reservation. But, if you are allergic to sucralose, you’ll want to look elsewhere for your lube.

I also liked the squeeze container with the flip-top lid. It makes using and storing WET Gellee easy.

Jada
About 10 years ago, when I was still a sweet impressionable young thing, I briefly dated (2 times) this guy who drove this totally pimped out Hummer. I mean this thing was obscenely gauche. Besides being a outrageous monument to conspicuous consumption, it was also extremely loud and ridiculously uncomfortable. It was like riding in a tank. And I practically needed a stepladder to enter and exit the behemoth. I felt like I was getting in and out of a cartoon car.

But the guy couldn’t have been more proud of his ride. He insisted that it was the consummate babe magnet. (I don’t know either; I just chalked it up to being a guy thing.) Little did he know that when he pulled up to a club all the women would giggle and snicker. I guess none of his women “friends” thought to tell him about our inside joke — BCLD — Big Car; Little Dick!

I realize that this is a somewhat long-winded intro to a toy review, but my little reminiscence was the first thing to come to mind when I was handed the BODY HEAT Self Warming Vibe to review.

Let’s start with the presentation. One would never know from just looking at the package that the BODY HEAT was so damned expensive. It comes in a nondescript carton that covers an equally nondescript plastic clamshell. All the other high-end toys I know of come in swank gift boxes, but not the BODY HEAT. It’s packaging looks like it belongs to a toy a fraction of its cost.

Ok, so we ought not judge a book by it’s cover right? I take BODY HEAT home and take it out of the package to see what’s what. Here’s what i found — a 7” shaft sits atop a 3.5” hard plastic base. The heart of the shaft is made up of pleasure “beads” that rotate. There are three rotation programs and each can be adjusted to eight speeds. The shaft is sheathed in a 100% silicone sleeve that is lavender in color. The sleeve also has a series of very stimulating ridges and is topped off with a flattened arrowhead shaped tip; perfect for G-spot stimulation. The sheath of silicone also covers embedded heating coils and a digital stabilizer that is supposed to keep the vibrator temperature at 100 or 120 degrees F. Supposedly, the warmer temperatures make the shaft easier to insert. But that would only be true of the tip of the vibe warmed up, which it doesn’t. However, the lower 1/3 of the vibe shaft does stay warm throughout use.

The base of BODY HEAT houses the control panel and a LCD display that shows the temp, the rotation program and speed. A rechargeable lithium battery fits inside the base. But wait! Some assembly is required. Get this, you need a teeny tiny phillips-head screwdriver, the kind a jeweler would use, to install the battery. Do you have one of those lying around your house? I don’t! I thought to myself; swell, now what am I supposed to do? After calling everyone I knew to see if they had one, I finally got hold of my sweet lesbian sister-in-law. Sure enough, she had just the thing. Wouldn’t you just know it? Dykes are such lifesavers. The BODY HEAT also comes with a recharger.

If all this weren’t enough, the BODY HEAT also comes with a removable vibrating clit stimulator (with batteries) in the shape of a rabbit that is supposed to be able to double as a cock ring. This is a brilliant idea, but there’s a rub. If you use it as a cockring your partner’s unit has to be at least the same girth as the BODY HEAT vibe. My partner is…how shall I say this…not so blessed. He did try to stretch it around his penis and ball sack like he wears a regular cockring, but there wasn’t enough give in the silicone. This made it way too tight to wear. So we never were able to try out that function. Back to the drawing board on that feature!

The tricked out BODY HEAT weighs in at a very hefty 15+oz. That’s a handful and then some.

Are you getting the picture why I began with story about that pimped out Hummer? I though you would. Sometimes too much is just that; too much.

Before I continue my review I just want to say that, if I had to guess, the BODY HEAT was designed and developed by a man, or more likely, a committee of men. They may have been well intentioned men, but I’d be willing to wager that there was no female input on this at all. Only a guy would dream up something like this. The reason I say this is that I have a bunch of women friends and we all have a ton of sex toys and not one of us has ever thought to ourselves; gee, I need to get me a vibe that does everything but make supper. Or gee, my vibe is cold; I need to get one with a heater. The reason I know this is because I asked all my friends this very question after I started toying around with the BODY HEAT. And while I admit that my sampling is not of the scientific variety, I’m still willing to wager that this is accurate.

To be fair, BODY HEAT does everything it says it will and it does it very well. Like I mentioned above I love the ribbed silicone shaft. But I think I have to quibble with calling the BODY HEAT a vibrator. It doesn’t really vibrate; there’s a rotating motion in the upper 1/3 of the shaft. And like I already mentioned, the heating element only warms the lower 1/3 of the shaft. The flattened arrowhead shaped head of the BODY HEAT neither vibrates or warms. I found that a bit curious, but there you have it.

The detachable rabbit vibe is indeed an actual vibe. And I really like that I can position it anywhere on the shaft. This works for me because the last thing I want to have happen is to have the bunny ears hit me in the clit when I’m thrusting to stimulate my G-spot. That is not pleasurable; it hurts.

The heating element was nice, I guess. But the silicone sheathe is so buttery soft that it would have conformed to my body temperature anyway, as all good silicone does.

I would gladly exchange the heating function in the BODY HEAT for it to be waterproof. For those of us gals who ejaculate when we stimulate our G-spot, a waterproof insertable or vibe is much preferred. Not only is this vibe is not waterproof; it doesn’t even have a cover for the recharge port. That just invites the early demise of this very expensive toy. If you get the port wet, or worse lube gets inside of it, you’ll be SOL (shit out of luck). Come on guys, you should know that good sex is messy sex, right? It’s like you designed this totally tricked out Hummer of a vibe but forgot the windshield.

I give the BODY HEAT extra points for it being rechargeable. And the lithium battery does hold a charge even under the demanding conditions of heating and rotating the shaft.

I wanted to be more upbeat in my appraisal of this fantastically pricey item, but I just couldn’t see my way to doing that and still be honest. Sorry Pipedream Products.