ELISE by LELO

ELISE ——  $169

Jack & Karen
Karen:  “Finally we’ve got our hands on a LELO.  We were beginning to wonder who we had to fuck to get in on the LELO action around here.”
Jack:  “Like my daddy always said, ‘Ya gotta walk through a lot of manure before you find the pony.’”
Karen:  “The
ELISE is way better than a pony!
This black beauty (ours is black) is made from medical grade silicone.  It’s just short of 10” long with just about 5” insertable length. It’s got a sweet curve to it and its torpedo-shaped.  I like that shape because it looks just like Jack’s thingy.”
Jack:  “Thingy?  My THINGY?  She’s such a grownup.”
Karen:  “Sorry, that didn’t come out like I hoped.  Jack’s cock is torpedo-shaped and it curves, to the left.  Is that better, honey?”
Jack:  “Yes dear, that’s better.  It’s just that I never heard you use “thingy” before.
Ok, on with our review.  The
ELISE has 5 stimulation modes and 5 speeds.  It’s super quiet.  It’s also rechargeable; so there’s no stinkin’ batteries to buy.”
Karen:  “The Scandinavian designers of the
ELISE clearly had the woman user in mind when they developed this vibe.  When I use it by myself, for G-spot stimulation, the controls are right where they should be, in the handle were I see and can reach them.  There are also two, count them, two points of vibration — one in the tip, another in the shaft.”
Jack:  “The
ELISE comes with the elegant signature LELO high-end packaging.  It’s a gift just waiting to be given.”
Karen:  “But be sure to use only water-based lube with this silicone vibe.”
Jack:  “And be careful that you don’t get any lube (or water, when you’re cleaning up) in the recharging port.”
Karen:  “That’s the only drawback I see to this Pleasure Object.  Other than that, you can be completely uninhibited with the
ELISE.  Isn’t that true, Jack?  Why not tell the good people your little secret?”
Jack:  “Ok, ok, Stop The Presses!  I have an announcement.  I broke my ass cherry with the ELISE.  There I said it.
I wasn’t actually gonna say that here, because I’m still a little, how shall I put this, sensitive about the whole anal insertion thing.  But WTF, right?

I mean I had a ball with this bugger.  I’m like totally sold on the prostate massage concept now.  But still, years of equating butt-play with gay will take awhile to dissolve.”
Karen:  “I am so proud of you for coming out like this, you little butt pirate, you!”
Jack:  “Hey now, that’s our little secret.”
Karen:  “Yeah, us and all of our readers.”
Jack :  “Like I suggested a bit ago, cleanup is easy with just some soap and water; just mind the recharger port.  If you’re gonna share this toy, like we did, be sure to thoroughly wipe it down with a lint-free towel wet with peroxide, rubbing alcohol or a 10% bleach solution.  Remember, you won’t be able to boil it or pop it in the dishwasher to sterilize.”
Karen :  “Yes, we ought to emphasize that The
ELISE isn’t waterproof.  Splash proof, yes; waterproof, no.”
Jack :  “We’re totally sold on the
ELISE.  Give it a try; you will be too.”

ENJOY!

Wavy Touch Me

Wavy Touch Me Penis Pink        $16.15

Jack & Karen
Jack:  “This must not have been our week!  After our less than happy experience with the Perfect Touch Satisfy-Her, we turned our hopes and expectations to the Wavy Touch Me.”
Karen:  “DISAPPOINTED!”
Jack:  “Here we have an 8 1/2 inch textured (wavy) dildo with what they call an Ultra-Gelle skin.  Because of the articulated plastic spine beneath the skin, the dildo bends and then holds its shape.  So far, so good.”
Karen:  “We remember Glenn and Hank’s review of a similar product (HERE) and we were totally looking forward to our little adventure.  The bending capability really appealed to me.  I love G-spot stimulation and I thought this would deliver.”
Jack:  “We never got beyond installing the 2 AA batteries.  (Again, no batteries were included in the package.)  Once the batteries were in place, I tightened the cap on the battery compartment and pushed the button on the base of the vibe to activate the blasted thing.  NOTHING!”
Karen:  “I said; ‘you’ve got to be kidding!  Maybe you have the batteries in wrong.’”
Jack:  “I thought, ok that could be it, although I’m not a complete dork.  I do know how to install batteries.  I loosened the cap on the battery compartment to check my installation when suddenly the thing sprang to life.  WHAT?”
Karen:  “I was really frustrated by this time.  I wanted to get my groove on and all I got was…well nothing.”
Jack:  “Apparently there is a flaw in either the design or the manufacture of this particular vibe.  The contact points didn’t line up properly with the batteries when the cap was securely tightened.  But once the cap was twisted open, the contact points hit the batteries and the vibe worked.”
Karen:  “Of course, that put the kibosh on the whole ‘waterproof’ concept.  D’oh!
I repeat what Jack said about the previous product; what can you expect for $16?  Still had I shelled out the cash, I would have expected it to work, at least for a little bit.”
Jack:  “By this point, I had had it too.  We struck out twice this week.  The Wavy Touch Me landed in the corner with the Perfect Touch Satisfy-Her never to be used again.  We put the disappointment behind us and pulled out one of our trusty toys and went to work on our pleasure.”

Perfect Touch Satisfy-Her

Perfect Touch Satisfy-Her, Luster Black $19.99

Jack & Karen
Karen:  “I love the design of the Perfect Touch Satisfy-Her.  It’s shiny, it’s sleek, and I even liked the hard plastic.  Sometimes I’m in the mood for something hard, if ya know what I mean.  Unfortunately, I can’t say much for its performance.”
Jack:  “It’s waterproof; you got to give it that.”
Karen:  “Yes, that’s what it says.  It’s also supposed to have a 5-speed vibrator that is controlled by a single button in the handle.  I installed 2 AAA batteries (I had to use my own, because no batteries were included in the package).
Nothing I did make the vibe go through its paces.  Pushing the button once got it going all right; nice vibration too.  Pushing it again stopped the blasted thing.  Pushing it a third time started it up again, but I couldn’t tell if it had changed speeds.  I kept pushing the button never getting the same results twice.  What, is this rocket science?”
Jack:  “I could see she was having a problem, so I asked if I could take a look at it.  I guess she was slightly more frustrated than I thought, because she flung the vibe in my direction.”
Karen:  “Yeah, sorry about that.  I don’t know why I let it get under my skin like that.  I can tell you I would have been hoppin’ mad had I actually plunked down good money for this thing only to find, when I got it home, that it didn’t perform as advertised.”
Jack:  “I guess there’s a lesson here for us all.  If you’re paying less then 20 bucks for a molded plastic toy you’re liable to be disappointed.  I mean, think about it.  Maybe the old adage; ‘you get what you pay for’ applies in this instance.”
Karen:  “We never even got around to testing it’s advertised waterproof capability.  Oh well…”
Jack:  “Moving right along.”

Tooshies

Jack & Karen are here with another  Jelique product.

Tooshies $8.95

Karen:  “I’m a new-cumer to anal.  Sometimes it takes me a while to warm up to this particular activity.”
Jack:  “I love her for trying anal.  She did it just to please me.”
Karen:  “Well, that and it feels great once I get over the first hurtle.”
Jack:  “We were lucky enough to score
Tooshies to review.  It’s a minty flavored Benzocaine based numbing gel formulated to ease the initial discomfort of anal sex.”

Karen:  “We’ve been looking around for such a product, but didn’t know which one to choose.  Or if such gels and or lube worked.”
Jack:  “
Tooshies works!”
Karen:  “It does; that’s for sure.  It’s just the thing I need to boost my confidence and to desensitize my rectum.  I just have to say, Benzocaine is not for everyone.  It’s pretty common for some people to have an allergic reaction to it.  I suggest you try a little dab on the inside of your elbow first to see if you have a reaction or not.  The inside of your elbow is not the same thing as the mucus membranes in you rectum, but you’ll have a better sense of things nonetheless.”
Jack:  “And while we’re pointing out cautions, all you tops out there better wear a condom when your bottom is using
Tooshies.  No, it’s not for safe sex reasons!  It’s because the Benzocaine will get on your dick during the fuck and you’ll experience a numbing sensation on your rod, and that ain’t good.  Or at least it wasn’t for me.”

Intimate Teas – My Maple Cookie and Screaming O

My Maple Cookie 12 bags — $32.00

Karen:  “This is so cool.  I’m a big tea drinker.  Never been one for coffee, but I do know my teas.  And since I’m a naturally hyper kinda gal, I try to avoid caffeine as much as possible.  These teas are delicious and they are herbal.”maple-cookie-full-product-page2.jpg
Jack:  “I, on the other hand, am not a big tea drinker, but I agree; these teas are good.  There’s an earthiness to them that I really liked.
Karen:  “First up today is My Maple Cookie.  I love it; what a name. This tea is a unique blend of premium herbs specially formulated to change the female genitalia and male semen to smell and taste like maple cookies.  How fun is that?”
Jack:  “Who would have guessed something like this was even possible.  I have to admit, it’s the damnedest thing.  Karen and I shared the tin of 12 tea bags over a 10 day period.  We both noticed a difference in the way we smelled and tasted.  Don’t get me wrong; I love the natural taste of she and me, but this is way fun.”
Karen:  “Jack’s right.  Although, I sometimes find his cum to be kind of acrid. My Maple Cookie
Jack:  “I like the taste of my own jizz.  I never find it acrid.  But I don’t taste it every day.  So I bow to Karen’s critique.”
Karen:  “The Intimate Teas website suggests pouring 8 ounces of hot water over a tea bag and let steep for 5 minutes.  Then gently squeeze the tea bag to let the active ingredients fully release into the water.  You may remove tea bag or allow to stay in water for stronger tea.”
Jack:  “This tea is not a miracle worker.  It won’t cover a multitude of sins.  Hell, even I know to avoid some foods like onions and garlic, a lot of booze and, of course, smoking, if you want your spunk to taste sweeter.” changed that in just two days.

Screaming O 12 bags — $32.00

Jack:  “Next up we have Screaming O tea.  The Intimate Teas people get high marks for the clever names and the packaging.”
Karen:  “They sure enough do!  This tea is a premium blend of unique herbs made to increase sexual passion in both women and men.  It is supposed to be an aphrodisiac, sexual stimulant and it’s supposed to intensify orgasms.”screaming-o-full-product-page3.jpg
Jack:  “That’s what it says on the website.  I was dubious…at first.  I figured, I already have intense orgasms, do I really need to improve on that…even if it’s possible?”
Karen:  “Things are much different for us gals, but I think you know that already.  I felt like the tea really did stimulate me.  And maybe it was only wishful thinking, but I felt my orgasms intensified too.”
Jack:  “Again, I defer to my lovely wife.  One thing for sure; this tea is a stimulant.  The first time I had this tea was near bedtime.  I thought, a nice cup of warm tea will make me sleep like a baby.  NOT!  I tossed and turned all night long.  But I did have a raging boner in the morning.  I don’t know if those two thing are connected, but they did follow one after the other.”
Karen:  “Kevin and I split the 12 tea bags between us, like the My Maple Cookie tea.  I didn’t drink my tea at bedtime, so I couldn’t corroborate Kevin’s story.”
Jack:  “I say, if you’re feelin’ a little pookie in the libido department, give this tea a try.  I suspect you will be pleasantly surprised.
Karen:  “That goes double for the women in our audience.  And these teas come in these charming little tins.  They make perfect gifts any time of the year, but especially during the holidays.”

ENJOY

The Right Position Sex Pillow Combo

The Right Position Sex Pillow Combo ——  $89.00

Karen:  “I’m just wild about The Right Position Sex Pillow.  Until the day Jack and I picked up the Pleasure Pack Combo at Dr Dick’s, I hadn’t given much thought to how exceptionally useful a specialized cushion like this could be.”
Jack:  “I totally agree.  Ya see the sex pillow is wedge shaped (about 6” at sex_pillow.jpgits widest), which allows us to position our bodies for a more accommodating and comfortable fuck.”
Karen:  “But it’s not just for fucking, although I must say it is ideal for anal sex, but I’ll get to that in a minute.  What I like most is that it raises my pelvis just enough so that Jack can pleasure me orally.  And The Right Position Sex Pillow is so comfortable too”
Jack:  “In the past, we had to fumble around with traditional pillows to place under Karen’s ass to raise it to just the right height for me to effortlessly eat her out.  But now with The Right Position Sex Pillow I can crawl between her legs and find her pussy at precisely the right height for me to dig in.”
Karen:  “My man has the most talented tongue around.  I’m totally down with anything that makes him more comfortable while he works, if ya know what I mean..”
Jack:  “Karen mention ass fucking.  When I bottom for her I love her to peg me while we’re face to face.”
Karen:  “Before we got The Right Position Sex Pillow I found face-to-face pegging a real chore.  Jack is a lot bigger and heaver than I, and even though he tries to keep his legs up during the peg, it’s exhausting and when he tires they crash down around my shoulders.  It’s difficult for me to help him keep his legs up so it’s kind of frustrating.”
wrap.jpgJack:  “Yeah, but now all I have to do is position the Sex Pillow under my back so that the widest part of the wedge is just slightly above my waist.  This allows me to throw my legs up and back and keep them there with ease.  It’s really great.”
Karen:  “It really has made all the difference in the world.  How we did without one of these for so long is beyond me.”
Jack:  “I like the fact that Sex Pillow cleans up easily with just a little soap and water.  It’s made of soft latex free foam that resists lube stains. Thank you very much!  And it has a built in handle, so it’s easy to adjust.”
Karen:  “The Right Position Sex Pillow even comes with its own lovely satin drawstring bag.”
Jack:  “Tell ‘em about the other thing.”
Karen:  “He’s referring to The Pleasure Wrap.  It’s very sweet sexy little throw with a soft furry fleece side and silky satin side. It’s ideal for cuddling after a romp.  I often get chilled afterward, even on the warmest days.  So this is perfect for me.  Oh, and machine washable too.  They’ve thought of everything!”
Jack:  “In case you haven’t noticed, we love these products.  You can buy the pillow and wrap separately.  But the combo is so reasonably priced; why not splurge?  It will make the perfect holiday gift for all you lovers out there.”