Jesse Jane’s Pirate Booty Stroker

Jesse Jane’s Pirate Booty Stroker —— $24.99

Brad
Jesse Jane is my favorite porn star. I think I have at least a half dozen of her movies, including the two Pirates movies. So when I saw the Jesse Jane’s Pirate Booty Stroker at Dr Dick’s place, I asked if I could review it.

I want to start my review with how the stroker looks in its package. The clear molded plastic case features a totally hot pic of Ms Jane in her pirate costume. You can see the Jesse Jane’s Pirate Booty Stroker through the clear plastic and it looks like an ice sculpture. Very cool! I know ya can’t tell a book by its cover, but the presentation is totally hot, especially for a Jesse Jane fan, like me.

I opened the package and fished out the jelly-like stroker. It’s made of Cyberskin, which really soft, floppy and squishy. I have to say; upon closer inspection of the stroker outside the package, it is a little eerie. It’s like this see-through elf of a Jesse Jane. There’s also a sweet smell to it, almost like strawberry shortcake. I kid you not.

The thing about this stroker is that it has two small apertures at either end of Jesse’s tiny body — one where her asshole would be and the other at her mouth. Since you can see right through her body, you can also see the textured canal that is supposed to surround your dick when you fuck this thing. I mean that’s what a masturbator is all about, right?

Right off the bat I’m thinkin’ I’m never gonna get my 7.5” thick cock into the Jesse Jane’s Pirate Booty Stroker no matter how stretchy the Cyberskin is. But I proceeded anyhow. I got my favorite water-based lube; it’s the only kind of lube I’d ever use with Cyberskin. Funny, there’s nothing on the package that would warn a user about that. In fact the package has no information about the care and handling of this special material. And that’s way too bad, because if you use the wrong kind of lube with Cyberskin it will disintegrate. And if you don’t care for it after each and every use, you will destroy it.

So anyhow, I lube up the stroker and I’m trying to figure out a way to shimmy my boner into it when I finally give up. I realize the Jesse Jane’s Pirate Booty Stroker is not made for someone with my endowment. Bummer! This would probably be a great masturbation sleeve for someone with an average sized cock.

I love the feel of Cyberskin, it makes for some fantastic sensations. But it has certain drawbacks. Cleaning it is a bitch. I was able to submerge the Jesse Jane’s Pirate Booty Stroker into a sink of warm soapy water, but it’s impossible to turn it inside out to get it completely clean. I was having enough problems cleaning out the lube; but had I also dropped a load of spunk in there as well, it would have been even a bigger headache.

You also have to remember to dust Cyberskin with body powder or cornstarch once it is thoroughly dry. If you forget this essential step the toy will become so tacky and sticky that you won’t be able to use it again. But powdering the ribbed canal inside this stroker is nearly impossible, again because you can’t turn it inside out. You also need to store Cyberskin apart for your other toys too. I keep mine in a plastic bag.

I want to close with what I think I know about us guys and how we jerkoff. We love to wank! We love to cum! We love to make a mess! But we absolutely hate the cleanup. That’s why most of us will dump our load in a dirty sock, a wad of Kleenex, an old tee shirt or a towel. Once the bust-a-nut event is over, we don’t want to think anymore about it. Now a masturbator that isn’t easy to clean, one that takes a load of special care will be fun for a time, but then the novelty probably won’t last.

I’d love to be proven wrong about this, but until I hear otherwise, I’m gonna stick to my guns.

Men’s Pleasure Wand

Men’s Pleasure Wand —— $23.52

Brad
Ok, I get what they are trying to do here with the Men’s Pleasure Wand. It’s designed as an anal insertion toy. Of course a woman could also use this, because they have assholes too. But I digress.

Anyhow, the Men’s Pleasure Wand is supposed to massage my balls, perineum and prostate; all at the same time. And it does…sort of. But I’m gettin a little ahead of myself.

The Men’s Pleasure Wand is waterproof and comes with a multi-speed controller that is attached to the part that is planted in your ass by a wire. It also has a ring on the base of the vibe that makes it easy to insert and remove. It’s also a very modest size in terms of girth. It’s no bigger than my middle finger. So if you’ve ever fingered your hole; and let’s be honest, you know you have. The Men’s Pleasure Wand will easily slip in your butt. Always remember to use a lot of lube with any kind of ass play, ok?

The package tells me nothing about the materials used in making the Men’s Pleasure Wand. That sucks! There is also a distinct off-gas smell to the toy once you open the package. This tells me that the materials used are of an inferior quality. It probably also means it’s not phthalates free, hypoallergenic or latex free. I happened to have my favorite silicone-based lube handy, so I used that. Didn’t seem to ill-effect the vibe in any way.

I really liked how easy the Men’s Pleasure Wand inserts. I really like the controller, which cycles four speeds. The controller makes it easy to change the vibration in the vibe without having to remove — adjust — then reinsert. The vibration is strongest in my ass, although it’s not all that strong even there. As for the other areas; I couldn’t feel much vibration on my balls or taint. DISAPPOINTED!

The design of the Men’s Pleasure Wand allows me to use it while lying down or sitting. There’s no moving about with this in your ass. Since there’s no notch on the shaft, there’s nothing for my anal sphincter to clamp on to and hold it in place. This is also a big disappointment. I mean, if it’s not gonna stay put, unless you sit on it, what’s the point?

Can I recommend the Men’s Pleasure Wand? Well, if you absolutely can’t find anything better, I suppose this would do. But why not look for something made of silicone; it’s a much healthier material to put in your ass than whatever this stuff is.

Sex Toys & Vibrators

Pecker Ball Gag

Pecker Ball Gag —— $9.59

Brad
I though to myself, so ok I know this isn’t a professional grade ball gag, but it could be fun. And I was right…at least the first couple of times me and the GF played around with the Pecker Ball Gag.

It has this soft, little penis shaped gag the size and shape of a Champagne cork. It’s not really a gag, because you actually bite down on it. So it’s more like for show than it is for serious. But we knew this is just for fun and it would be the perfect thing for beginners.

The “gag” stays in place by means of an adjustable leather strap, which is pretty sturdy, but not all that long. So if you have a big head like me, you won’t be the one wearing the gag.

So far so good, right?

Unfortunately there are these two other little straps on either side of the gag that that connects it to the sturdy neck strap and they are like totally fuckin lame. We used the Pecker Ball Gag exactly twice before one of the little straps broke rendering the entire thing useless. WTF? This just goes to show you that a toy is only as good as its weakest part.

Great idea, piss-poor execution, that is if you ask me. But what can you expect from something under $10?

This sex toy review sponsored by Adult Sex Toys: over 8,000 sex toys and adult toys to choose from.

BILLY by LELO

BILLY —— $129.00

Brad
DAMN, this is the most expensive sex toy…I mean Pleasure Object I’ve ever seen. Before I got hooked up with the Dr Dick Review Crew I used to make all my own sex toys. You’d be amazed what you can do with some bubble wrap, Jell-O, a battery-powered toothbrush or a bar of soap. Now that I’m an official review crew member I’m getting the education of my life. You’ll probably laugh, but before I got this BILLY I had never hear of LELO.

I knew I was in for a treat just by looking at the packaging. Everything about it says elegant. The message on the package, translated into multiple languages, reads:BILLY is a gentleman’s G-spot massager for those who wish to explore a more energetic sensation within. Benefiting from an ergonomic design tailored precisely to the male form, he offers sustained control through five differing stimulation modes. Such versatility achieves breathtaking results, where vibrations may be kept mild during arousal, before increasing to the levels that excite his user most. Whether enjoyed individually or with a partner, BILLY is a highly discreet and satisfying companion, always primed to deliver the most intense and varied feelings of release.

That a fancy way of sayin’ — ya pop this sucker in your ass for a groovy prostate massage. Hey, can I ask you people to stop referring to a dude’s prostate as “a gentleman’s G-spot”? I think a P-spot is pretty fuckin lame, but “a gentleman’s G-spot” is absolutely ridiculous.

Now that I have that off my back I can get back to telling you about BILLY. It’s a relatively petite thing as far as insertables go. 6.5” total length; 4” insertable length; 3.25″ circumference and weighs in at just about a pound. This is clearly intended for the novice butt pirate.

It has a ridge on the velvety-smooth silicone insertable part that is designed to make BILLY safe for ass play. The whole toy will never accidentally slip all the way in your bum, which is a fear that many guys new to ass play have. I know I did.

The controls for BILLY are located in the handle, which is made of hard plastic. It has 7 power settings and 5 vibe patterns. Steady vibration, three speeds of intermittent vibration and a wave setting where the vibration oscillates between gentle and stronger vibrations. And the best thing is it’s rechargeable. There’s this little port in the tip of the handle that accepts the recharging unit. Pretty slick, huh? My battery budget was gettin outta control. It takes about 2 hours to fully charge. And it’ll last about 4 hours on a full charge. It even lets you know when it is time to recharge. The control dial will glow red, instead of white when pushed.

You’ll have to use lube with this toy. Trying to insert it anally without lube is just asking for trouble. But be sure you use only a water-based lube.

Figuring out the four-quadrant controller can be a challenge. For the life of me I couldn’t figure it out when first I tried. I thought it was a good idea to run through the different speeds and intensities before I popped it in my ass. But suddenly it just died. The white LED light was still on, but I couldn’t get it to vibrate. I thought for sure I fucked up this expensive toy. I put it away for a while so I could review the instructions. On my second attempt, a couple hours later, it miraculously came back to life, but only slowly. I have no idea what the fuck was up with that. Freaked me out though.

Once I had BILLY in my hole, I really liked the feel of it. But I had the damnedest time working the controller while it was in place. The hard plastic handle and control button are impossible to hold on to or manipulate with lubed up fingers and hands. And don’t even think about getting lube in the recharge port, because the thing will be toast for damn sure.

This gets me to clean up. Since BILLY is only splash proof and not waterproof you have to be very careful not to get water in the recharge port either. That being said, soap and water works fine. Or you can wipe it down with a lint-free towel moistened with peroxide, rubbing alcohol or a 10% bleach solution.

If you can spring the big wad of cash needed to score one of these Pleasure Objects; I say go for it!

ENJOY!

Okeido and Birds ‘N Bees vegan condoms

Okeido 3-Pack —— $6.00

Brad
I’m not one of those guys who throws a hissy fit over having to wear a condom when I fuck. I happen to think it’s a sign of respect to the lady I’m about to bone. She doesn’t always know where my johnson has been and I rarely know where her meatpie has been. So it just makes sense. I mean, the more of a big deal ya make about this simple health and safety thing the more of a douchebag you are. So fuckin get over it already.

Today I have the pleasure of introducing you to two of the amazing RFSU condoms. The first is Okeido. I don’t know what that mean, or even if it has a meaning. Maybe it’s Swedish for abbondanza. Ok, so here’s the deal. Okeido is a slightly larger sheath for us bigger boys — length 190 mm., width 53 mm. They’re silky to the touch, silicone-lubed, ultra-thin, have a fuller reservoir tip and they’re an ideal fit.

This Swedish company, RFSU (the Swedish Association for Sexuality Education), is known for their stringent quality testing as well as for their pleasure-enhancing designs. Here, here!

And here’s something I’ve never seen before. These rubbers are vegan! I suppose you’re gonna ask; what makes a condom vegan? Well, I’ll tell ya; the Vegan Action Foundation certifies that no animal products of any kind were used in the manufacturing of these condoms nor were any animals used in product testing. This makes them a bit pricier than your run of the mill condoms. But you’re not gonna get greener than this and they make for an integral component of a cruelty-free lifestyle! And that is totally my style.

Birds ‘N Bees 3- Pack —— $6.00

These babies, like their Okeido siblings, are also vegan. They’re silky to the touch, silicone-lubed, ultra-thin and have a reservoir tip.

The Birds ‘N Bees style is ribbed and bumped for added sensations. Mmmm, ribbed and bumped! I actually have a preference for a textured condom. But these are not quite as roomy as the Okeido — length 185 mm., width 52 mm. They’re not uncomfortable, mind you, just snug. These would be idea for the man with an average endowment.

Now all we have to do is get them to make a ribbed and bumped version of the larger condoms.

Despite the fact that these are vegan, they are still latex. So you folks out there with a latex sensitivity need to look elsewhere. And for god sake, guys, use a personal lube when you groovin’, especially when you’re wearing a glove. And make sure it’s water-based or silicone-based though. Oil-based lube and latex condoms do not mix.

These condoms are a luxury product for the Prophylactic Connoisseur. Go get ‘em!

Neo Cockring

Neo Cockring by Vibratex ——  $24.99

Brad
So I was like totally hot for the Neo Cockring when I saw it in its stylish plexiglas storage case.  At 33 I’m just discovering the joys of wearing a cockring. I was telling some of my gay clients at the gym about getting my first cockring about a month ago.  They looked at me like I had just landed from outer space. OK, so I’m a late bloomer; sue me!

The Neo Cockring is a clear jelly sorta deal.  Although it’s not a jelly, it’s made of a 131111phthalate-free elastomer.  This may not make a difference to you, but it sure does to me.  I don’t do anything that may contain phthalates.  I mean, why would I endanger my health if I don’t have to?

The thing that rocks, or is supposed to, is this cockring has a built-in vibe, and it has this tickler side to it.  And even though the vibe is a tiny thing; it has two activation choices. The first is a side button that remains “on” until depressed, and the second is a pressure sensitive pad behind the ticklers.  So my GF is like waiting for me to warp this thing around my johnson and show her what it’ll do to her clit.  I position the ring around my dick and balls with the vibe on the top of my cock with the tickle head pointing outward.  Are you following this?

I activate the vibe and…well I feel it, but it ain’t rockin my world; as I had hoped.  But ok, maybe the vibe is not for me but my GF.  Ahhh, not so fast!  She says she can feel it too, and she likes the way it turns itself on as it comes in contact with her clit, but there ain’t enough bang for her buck either.

Bummer, cuz this is such a great concept.  You can see the Vibratex people put some thought into this.  I mean, the thing is waterproof and all; comes with batteries as well as a replacement set.  I never saw another vibe like that.  But still the vibe is a little too limp, if ya know what I mean.