Dr Dick’s Sex Toy Reviews

Ultimate Personal Shaver Kit – $79.95

Hey sex fans,

I have the niftiest little gizmo here (actually two nifty gizmos) from the swell folks at The Ultimate Personal Shaver.  I have two because they sent me a kit to review.  Nut you can also buy these puppies separately too.

Anyhow, the Ultimate Personal Shaver System is a clever new way to trim and/or shave your naughty parts, and even some parts that are not so naughty.  But I am getting ahead of myself.  So unlike me, huh?

Let me just say I wish I had these shavers available during my last video shoot.  Despite my long-suffering pleas to the talent to NEVER to shave their ding-dongs the day of the porn shoot.  Do you think they listen?  NO, they don’t.  So there we were shooting scene 1 — all lights, camera and action.  Things were gettin hot and heavy when what do my sore eyes detect?  A smear of blood on one of the actor’s leg then more blood on the other guy’s abdomen.  In no time at all it looked like we were shooting a surgery scene, not porn.  YIKES!

Sure enough, one of the performers had nicked himself manscaping his pubes earlier that morning.  The throws of the sex scene opened the cut and that was all she wrote.  Filming stopped, erections were lost and production costs escalated.  And it was all because the monkey didn’t take my advice about the shaving thing.  D’oh!

Don’t let this happen to you, sex fans!

The Ultimate Personal Shaver System is a must have for all porn stars — women, men and everyone in between.  Drag queens and dyke daddies will love these shavers too.  And if you, my precious reader, do not fall into any one of these categories you’ll still love The Ultimate Personal Shaver System.  I mean, who among us doesn’t have at least one itsy bitsy hair issue that needs attending?

Listen up; get one of these kits and there will be no more painful wax jobs, ingrown hairs or the heartbreak of a chemical or razor burn.  Just smooth, silky skin where there ought be smooth, silky skin, don’t ‘cha know.

But wait; let’s just say you are opposed to wackin’ your bush into submission, that you’re one of them “natural” guys or gals.  Hey, that’s cool!  More power too ya.  In fact, Dr Dick is sick to death of seein all that completely shaved beaver and bat N balls.  What gives with this troubling trend anyhow?

But even us purists have unsightly nostril hair, unruly eyebrows and ear hair to contend with, right?  The Ultimate Personal Trimmer takes care of these problems in a jiffy.

For all of you folks out there hell-bent on a manicured coozie or a styled johnson here’s what ya do.

• Make sure your skin is dry.
• Apply the Ultimate Shaving Talc using the jim-dandy application brush
• Pull the skin taught for a close shave
• Hold the Ultimate Personal Trimmer at a 45-degree angle to the skin and have at it.

Once you’ve shaved the hair to your satisfaction, move on to the Ultimate Personal Finishing Shaver.

• Apply a bit more shaving talc
• Pull skin taught
• Hold the shaver directly against the skin
• Move it up and down and in a circular motion, and PRESTO!

This will remove any angry stubble leaving your skin as smooth as the day you were born.  Amazing, huh?

As you can tell from my comments above, I like this shaving system a lot.  They are very discreet, fully functional and nicely designed.  I was, however, a bit surprised to find that the Ultimate Personal Trimmer was as lightweight as it is.  It looks like it’s made of metal, but it’s really plastic. I wish it were made of more substantial materials, like the Ultimate Personal Finishing Shaver.   I wonder why it’s not.  I haven’t used it enough times to know if it’ll last, so the jury is still out on that.

One final thing, ya know how I’m always raggin on manufacturers to do the GREEN thing, right?  Well I don’t know how practical this is, but as a conscientious consumer I would happily pay more for products like these if they were rechargeable.  Who needs another battery-operated device anyhow?  I mean, in the long run batteries cost a lot more than the added up-front cost of a rechargeable model.

ENJOY!

Lap Dancer Harness $44.95

Soft neoprene harness adjusts that wraps around your thigh and secures with Velcro.  It holds a soft silicone dildo. Get your dollar bills ready for your private dancer.

Jack & Karen

Jack:  “The Lap Dancer Harness reminds me of a neoprene brace one uses when he has a pulled muscle.  Only this one comes with a wicked twist.  There a dildo attached.”
Karen:  “You wrap this cuff around your thigh with the dong on the top of your leg and away ya go!”
Jack:  “Karen put on a little strip show for me and a couple of our swinger friends, Mark and Linda.  We were all cheering her on with wolf whistles and cat calls.”
Karen:  “As I got down to my thong, Linda decided to join me, which drove the men wild.  I was kissing Linda and tweaking her nipples through her red-lace nightie.”
Jack:  “The girls were getting into it so much with each other, I had to remind them of the Lap Dancer Harness.
Karen:  “I approached Jack and began to orally service the dong that was thrust out there waiting for me.  I then straddled his leg facing away from him and slipped the dong in my pussy.  While I rode Jack’s leg I reached out and pulled Linda closer till I could lick her wet snatch.
Jack:  “Mark decided to get into the act with some backdoor action on Linda.  And I had hold of Karen’s tits while she jerked me off.
Karen:  “A better lap dance was never given…or received!”
Jack:  “It’s amazing how something as simple as the Lap Dancer Harness can transform a ordinary encounter into something very special indeed.”
Karen:  “We all got off, literally and figuratively, on the whole stripper role play.  I’m thinking there are still other yet undiscovered ways to use this harness and dildo.  I may just have to strap it on my knee and sink it in Jack’s ass one of these fine days.
We love all our new Sportsheets toys.  Thanks Dr Dick!”

ENJOY!

Sportsheets Door Jam Cuffs $18.95

Just lay the weighted straps over door, close it shut.  Turn any room into a playground for kinky bondage play!  Tease or please, control or be controlled –– now it’s easy!  Each thick nylon strap is connected to a detachable and adjustable velour-lined Velcro cuff.  You get 2 cuffs in a package.  Buy 2 pairs for total control!

Gina & Kevin

Gina:  “Kevin and I had a ball with this.”
Kevin:  “First off, we are both virgins to the bondage thing.”
Gina:  “I have to say I was more than a little intimidated by the concept of being restrained.  So I agreed to go first only when Kevin agreed to go next.”
Kevin:  “I was like totally up for that.  I even offered to go first.  Except Gina didn’t have a clue what to do once I was in the cuffs.”
Gina:  “I guess I need to watch more kinky porn, huh?”
Kevin:  “So here’s what ya do. Just loop the straps over the top of the door with these bars on the outside and the cuffs on the inside.  Then close the door.  What could be easier?”
Gina:  “I didn’t think the Velcro on the cuffs would be strong enough to secure me especially if I struggled against them.  I was oh so wrong.  I was like totally helpless.”
Kevin:  “I could see that Gina was really leery about doing this, so I wanted to make this first experience really enjoyable.  First, I had her face out with her back against the door.  This gave me access to her front.  I undid her bra and sucked on he nipples.  She loves when I do this.”
Gina:  “I do love it.  Strangely enough, I don’t ever recall experienced this while standing.  I’m always laying down when he plays with my nipples.  With my hands suspended above my head in the cuffs, I actually found myself buckling my knees and dangling my body weight from my wrists, which added a whole new dimension to the sensations in my breasts.”
Kevin:  “I then pulled down her panties, spread her thighs and held them tight.  (This is where a second set of these cuffs would have come in handy.) Then I proceeded to lick and nibble at her clit and pussy lips.  I gave her a mighty fine tongue fucking too.  I drove her fuckin crazy doin that.”
Gina:  “It’s true.  Suspended as I was and with his hands holding my legs, I really couldn’t escape his mouth.  I had to adjust to being helpless like this.  But once I let go, I was thrashing about with waves of orgasmic pleasure.  I wonder what the neighbors thought.”
Kevin:  “Yeah, she was totally out of control.  I was pretty worked up myself.  So I decided to throw her a fuck right then and there, up against the door.”
Gina:  “When he entered me I was able to lift my legs off the floor and wrap them around him.  And I did it all while being suspended by my wrists.  All this was totally new territory for me.”
Kevin:  “We had to wait for another day for me to get cuffed.  Gina was just too worn out by her time in the cuffs.”
Gina:  “When it was Kevin’s turn two days later, I decided to cuff him facing the door.  I added a silk scarf blindfold.  He was mine, all mine!”
Kevin:  “I was completely surprised by how Gina took to being a dominant top.  She apparently has a real sadistic streak that was just waiting to be released.”
Gina:  “He’s right, I became like this other person.  I loved telling him what to do — spread your legs — and things like that.
I went to work on his butt.  Teasing it at first with little scratches, but then I could see he wanted more.  So by-god I gave it to him.  Open handed slaps and even whacks with one of my hairbrushes make his cheeks glow crimson.”
Kevin:  “She was yankin on my nuts like crazy while she was tanning my ass.  I loved it.  I believe I’ve created a novice dominatrix.”
Gina:  “I know, who would have guessed I’d get into this as much as I did?  These little Door Jam Cuffs open a whole new world to me and us.  These will be a big part of our play together in the future.  And we definitely need that second pair for our feet.”

Sportsheets Chest Harness with Dildo $59.00

Give your partner a front row seat with this fun harness and dildo set. It’ll spice up your sex life with a little tease and pleasure right in front of your face.

Jack & Karen

Jack:  “We had some fun with this, I can tell ya.”
Karen:  “Yes we did!”
Jack:  “I can eat out my darling wife and bugger her senseless all at the same time.”
Karen:  “Yes he can!  OMG, am I being too frivolous?”
Jack:  “No, my love, you are being just the right amount of frivolous.”
Karen:  “OK, I’ll behave.
So now you know my other little kink.  I love to have my ass played with.”
Jack:  “And I am only too happy to oblige!
In the past it was either ass play or pussy lickin’, never both at the same time.  Now she can punish her ass and I can please her cunt without missing a beat.”
Karen:  “I wanted to switch out the dildo that comes with this harness for a bigger one, but the ring in the harness doesn’t allow for that.  Bummer.”
Jack:  “A word to the wise.  If your partner really gets into this thing, like you know who over here, be prepared to cum away from the experience with a bruised sternum.  I did!”

Sportsheets G-Spot Link $29.95

A black nylon strap with neoprene ankle cuffs that makes hitting the G-spot easier and more accurate than ever before. You can use this to tilt the hips and enter the vaginal canal or anus from a new angle making penetration deeper and more satisfying for everyone.

Joy & Dixie

Dixie:  “I didn’t get this at all.  And we even watched the little video on the Sportsheets site to figure out how this thing works.”
Joy:  “Maybe it’s a lesbian thing.”
Dixie:  “I mean I understand the concept.  You lie face up and wrap your legs around your partner’s back. Your partner can then reach around and fasten the cuffs to hold your legs in place.”
Joy:  “This was totally awkward for me, on top, and not comfortable for Dixie on the bottom.  The problem may be that I’m bigger around and her legs are pretty short.”
Dixie:  “Exactly.  This may work for a couple better matched in size than Joy and I.  I think this is designed for the fit and trim crowd.  Anyhow, they say the cuffs can be adjusted using one hand. We didn’t find that to be true.  And while I was on the bottom, I didn’t find this position comfortable at all.  My legs were supposed to be relaxed while wrapped around my partner.  But that didn’t happen for me.  Again the size difference between Joy and I probably accounted for this.”
Joy:  “There is another way to use the G-Spot Link, however.  And this was only slightly more successful for us. Dixie had her legs in front of her with her knees to her chest, while I put the cuffs on her ankles. I was then able to use the strap like a handle to move her legs from side-to-side.”
Dixie:  “So, OK I liked that Joy was able to swing my legs from side to side.  This really made my clit stand up and take notice, mostly because my knees were pressed so tightly against my chest.  That part was nice.”
Joy:  “But we didn’t get the whole deeper penetration thing.”
Dixie:  “This position did make for some very fine oral sex though.”
Joy:  “Yeah, I got her off several times that way.  Like I said, we just didn’t get the G-spot connection thing.  Sorry!”

Dr Dick’s Product Review Crew is back with their reviews of the remaining group of intriguing and oh so practical novelties from the pleasure-oriented folks over at Sportsheets.

The Dr Dick’s Product Review Crew introduces you to even more sexy fun products that will liven up even the most ho-hum sex life.

If you missed Sport Fuck, Part 1; look for it here.

Let’s check in with our intrepid reviewers.

The Under The Bed Restraint System $44.95

This turns your bed into a bondage playground. Simply slide the straps under any mattress, and position them around the bed to create various bondage possibilities.

Glenn & Hank

Hank:  “Remember what we were saying last time about being unable to outfit our apartment with all the fun stuff you’d find in your average, well-appointed dungeon?  Well Glenn and I took on this review in the hopes we might be able to create a little bondage magic without the screw anchors and bolts in the ceiling and walls needed for more traditional apparatus.”
Glenn:  “Yeah, I love being restrained spread eagle on the bed.  I love relinquishing control to my partner(s) and being ravaged by him/them.
Hank:  “It’s totally hot for me too.  And now we can play this out on our own and in our own bedroom.”
Glenn:  “Being a bondage submissive is liberating for me.  It’s like leaving my body in some ways, yet being intensely present at the same time.  Do you remember that old song that went — ‘longing for the freedom of my chains’?  It’s like that.”
Hank:  “So now he’s a fuckin’ poet all of a sudden!”
Glenn:  “Don’t listen to him.  He’s just jealous!  Hank is way too much of a control freak to be a submissive.  And remember: Bottoms Rule!”
Hank:  “Back to the review, wonder-hole.  The Under The Bed Restraint System is not the least be threatening.  In fact, if you just wanna mess around with some power-play this is just the thing for you.”
Glenn:  “But it also works for those of us who are a tad more hardcore.”
Hank:  “And it’s a breeze to set up. It only took a few minutes.”
Glenn:  “And like all the Sportsheets products we have here, it’s reasonably priced — under $50!”
Hank:  “So if you are a rank amateur or a seasoned pro, you’ll have a great time testing your limits.  We did!”
Glenn:  “You can say that again.  I still have welts on my ass to prove it.”
Hank:  “But that’s another story for another time.”