Hey sex Fans!
Dr Dick had the dubious pleasure of test-driving one of these babies earlier this week. In short, this product is crap, of the first order. Let me recount my torturous adventure to prove my point.
I have some basic standards by which I judge a sex toy. First among them is; does the blasted thing do what it says it’s supposed to? The Rolling Head Cup Masturbator ($22.99) arrived on my doorstep with absolutely no packaging, save the red plastic label that sealed the bottom of the unit. I’m not a big fan of excessive packaging. But hey, Tenga ought to have included some instructions on how to use this contraption.
Being the clever and resourceful guy I am, I decided to remove the label and look inside. Still, I wasn’t sure what to do next.
- Here’s a tip for all you sex toy designers out there. When designing a toy to mimic or augment a sexual practice that us men folks have been doing just fine since time began with the two hands we were created with; you’d better come up with something that is equally intuitive or don’t fuckin’ bother. OK?
Once I removed the red label I found a very soft perforated styrofoam base that was oozing something slippery. To my great astonishment, the cup was already lubed up, as it were. Rather than this being a thoughtful design ploy, I was put off by this. I had no idea what kind of lube this was. What if I was allergic to this type of lube, or it wasn’t my lube of choice? Not a good idea, this!
I decided to look past the pre-lubed issue to figure out what I was supposed to do next. Obviously, I was to insert my precious stiffy into this gooey mess, but how was I supposed to get past the styrofoam base? There was, of course, a little hole, but there was also the styrofoam plug. Was I supposed to remove the plug? I did, but I don’t think I was supposed to. I think I was supposed to push the plug into the unit with my dickhead. Removing the plug, as I did, just added to the gooey mess. This also destabilized the remaining soft styrofoam base, which began to sluff off from the rest of the insides. This left no protection from the hard plastic edge of the unit. Here I am 15 minutes into this ill-fated exercise and I have yet to even get my dick wet. This was not going well.
- A second tip for all you sex toy designers out there. When designing a toy to put around a guy’s hardon, the one-size-fits-all concept is a real bad idea. Or the product should be labeled accordingly.
Gummy mess aside, I was bound and determined to press forward. And as it turned out, that’s precisely what I had to do. I had to press and press and then press some more. Anticipation turned to frustration, then aggravation. If I hadn’t been wearing a cockring during this second-rate encounter, my willie would have surely gone to sleep from boredom.
Now my dick isn’t super sized or anything, but there was no way Mr Wonderful was just gonna fit inside this contraption. Instead, I inserted my index finger to get a sense of the capacity of this puppy. The textured jelly masturbation sleeve inside will only gonna accommodate a cock the girth of my finger, not much more. DISAPPOINTED!
I never was able to find out if there was any benefit to the pleated band on the cup’s midriff that is supposed to allow the device to flex enough to move in circles, or bend side to side, or even up and down. By the time I finally gave up, I had nothing to show for my efforts but a goopy mess. The lube was now mixed with what I guessed was some kind of adhesive that was supposed to have held the soft perforated styrofoam base in place. Which it did not do.
Finally, had this miserable thing actually worked, and I was able to stimulate myself to a jizz-filled happy ending, there would have been no way for me to clean this device for a second go. So basically the unwary consumer would be paying thirty-plus bucks for a one-use wonder.
To sum up, what we have here is an over priced, ineffectual, ill-conceived, poorly designed rip off.